S.001 * Baseline : The story starts from here

I’m ready to love my life again.

And for that, I know that starts with expanding love for myself. The real reason I’m still facing the things from 12-years ago, yes you read that right— Oh, the beauty of keeping a journal.

It’s a humbling thing really, to see— yes, these things still matter to me, and oh, it’s still here asking for my love. So time to give those little things the attention they’ve been begging for. Hence the starting of this writing.

It’s been on the list, sharing these inner happenings. The more I embrace it, the more I realize it’s a clearing for myself— a release that my own body needed.

Someone else finding it is a beautiful bi-product, but for me, the release alone is the self-love I’ve been asking for— to see myself, acknowledge myself, value & trust myself again.

And I’m finding it’s all about actually connecting with mySELF. That big SELF that is always there with me, and always has been— I’m just learning to know and integrate that aspect again. I’m pretty sure that SELF is the voice of my heart.

So basically, I’m just going to go through my journals randomly and start shifting what needs to shift. I’ve been struck with two intuitions—

Re-write your story & focus on your body.

I had no idea what they meant at the time other than the face-value version, and I think I’ve finally tapped into what that actually means and hopefully it’ll become even clearer as we go.

For this, we’ll have a formula. I’ll use the key to mark the major takeaways and the numbering system is to reference entries.

KEY
Compost - Thoughts that no longer serve & are asking to be shifted
Rooting - Insights that stay
// Shifts - Nourishing thoughts
>><< - Real-time interjections as I’m moving through sharing
Sparks - Added details, points of interest, musings

Here’s to giving it a go…

—

.01

You’ve made me cry & frustrated beyond belief— because you’ve called me to stand up and be the person I’ve always known myself to be— the one who speaks up and speaks out and only moves in what is in alignment with my own energy.

You’ve made me stronger because you highlight my weaknesses with a spotlight so bright that I can bear to look away no longer, showing me that stepping back into the darkness is actually choosing the very feeling of abandonment that I’ve worked so long to avoid.

That’s the Void— the place of learning, becoming.

The spotlight is the space of being.

Being. Alive <3

You’ve been the toughest one to navigate and I’d blamed you for so much until I hit this vital truth— The growth I’ve experienced from navigating interactions and dynamics with you is why I am as strong as I am today. So I thank the experience for its teachings— it wasn’t okay, but through it… I HAVE GROWN.

—

.02

>><< Sometimes I have these moments where I look outside at the gorgeous day and I’m like, is my choice of what to do really, like really stand here and type out and navigate old wounds and healings.

I heard something that play remedies things 20x faster.

What if I just allowed myself to play more. I know I don’t know much about play… also a funny realization, but what if the whole purpose was to explore that? Just play. Leave the past behind and play with the now.

Do you know how many times I’ve wanted to burn these journals. Burn the past and just step into the present now. Cut my losses and live from here.

For whatever reason it seems like that would be sad to ‘lose all that work,’ but would it be? It would be ‘sad’ to just drop the sadness.

I mean in the notebooks are all kinds of strategies and blah blah blah, but actually what if I did just drop it all and start enjoying my life more? I mean heck.

What if you don’t have to heal through it, you just don’t have to give it power and attention anymore? >><<

—

.03

I’ve just turned to a random journal page and here’s what it reads and the //shifts I’m actively making as I read through it:

It’s been a long time since I’ve allowed myself to feel the emotions that I’m feeling now— been this honest with myself. This one has been tougher than the rest because I know so much more.

I can no longer blame it on this or that— what is going on outside of me, because now I understand that what is going on outside of me is a direct reflection of what is going on inside of me. That my inner world is radiating such a state as to magnetize it into my experience.

What am I radiating that would bring such things?
What is it that I deeply believe that is coming from a place of pain rather than love?
What do I believe that would bring such things?
What is the nature of my thoughts that is bringing this into existence?

What am I frustrated by?

- I cannot trust myself to follow through
// I trust in my ability to follow through

- I prioritize busywork over work that would truly…
>><< Some people say sharing helps, but sometimes I wonder, does it actually reinforce? Would I be better off just living into the ‘best version of me’ rather than revisiting these things? Words are powerful. Should I just start writing my new reality now? Or keep going with these past writings? Okay back to the list… >><< … truly move things in my desired direction
// I prioritize actions that directly move things toward my desires

- I’m slow at making decisions, overthinking for even seemingly simple things
// I’m decisive because I know where I’m going & trust my ability to navigate my way there

- My turnaround execution time is slow
// I confidently keep momentum forward— knowing everything is in progress, so nothing requires perfection

- I’ve agreed to settle/accept less than
// I continue to uphold my unique preferences because I trust in my own path

- I feel I’m doing it alone, yet I don’t involve/follow through with anyone
// I feel safe to be me— showing up fully & authentically

- I’m more talk than action
// I continuously follow through with my intentions

- My disregard for the process/journey and hyper focus on the destination/outcome
// I enjoy every moment of my process, knowing the journey is the entire point

- So easily bending my own priorities
// I uphold my priorities, knowing they are the cornerstones to my peace & joy

- My mental state
// I align with joy and dedicate myself to choosing thoughts & actions that serve my wellbeing

- Finding / feeling disappointment within loving relationships
// I choose to focus my energy on what I enjoy & expanding love in my relationships dynamics

I forgive myself of these views I once held.

I ultimately fear I lost sight of how to honor my life and aliveness.
// I remember the beauty of my own aliveness by prioritizing my own delight

It’s like I can’t see the things that I have done and can only see the things that I haven’t.
// I have done so much to get where I am, & I regularaly pause to enjoy the view

I need to lower my expectations of others so I’m not disappointed.
// I focus my energy on my own direction and follow through, knowing with compassion that everyone is on their own journey and so am I

And not read too much into things, but it’s my nature to read into things.
// I honor my ability to allow others to be without taking things personally

I think I hold a belief that no one can help me.
// I trust that I am supported in a myriad of ways known and unknown, that show up as I do

I’m half here and half elsewhere— losing focus on the beauty of what’s right in front of me.
// I know my world is happening right here, right now, to focus elsewhere would be to miss out on what actually is. So I choose presence.

I stopped putting feeling behind what I want for fear of being disappointed.
// I know that my desires need my passion and energy to be brought to life

I stopped allowing myself to feel free.
// I free myself when I allow my own being & expression to shine through

I don’t follow up on the things that I want.
// I put energy into my desires, knowing that is my vote for it coming into being

I still feel quite broken inside, like my heart still doesn’t work quite right / shine so bright.
// I know the more ways I love myself from the inside, the more my heart will soften and open to the fountain of love that already surrounds me

>><< The above still ring true and are clearly things that need addressing, so I’ll be adding them to a focus list for this week. I’m learning action is what shifts things, so I’ll be honing in on actions I can take to reinforce a new knowing of myself. >><<

—

.04

I feel like while I’m not ‘living by example’ I should hide until I am. Otherwise, interactions feel like a false truth, expressing a false me, one that is not living in the truth of me, therefore it’s a false reflection / projection of me that they’re experiencing and not the me I know myself to be. Maybe therein lies the disconnect of it all.

Whew! Now let’s go out and have a ball <3

// The best thing I can do is live fully into me. It’s not about living by someone else’s rules, it’s by following through in the inspiration that wells up within me.

—

.05

Why do you get to set the pace and parameters of my life.
// Why do I allow you to alter my own pace & parameters?

If I outrun you, may I no longer stop and wait, but rather circle back after the burst to join and double up for that stretch of the way to ensure our paths continue crossing. That feels like growth & compassion, cuz isn’t life just a grand spiral anyway.

I’m realizing, you don’t necessarily have to go at my pace for us to still go in the same way and enjoy so much together <3

Sit with your feelings.

—

.06

I keep acting as though my words are the same as follow through.

I’m remembering that magic is one part words and the other part feeling/inspired action. Not looking for evidence that the spell is effective, but rather adding to it, making it richer and richer with each passing breath, infusing it with vision and energy. So that when it comes to be, it continues developing.

There’s something larger here.

I sit here and commune with you, in peace knowing what we’re both growing through. That you are being born into this life. I traversed the darkness, now you’ll traverse the light, each one a witness but the other guiding the way. It’s my turn to surrender as you guide the way.

yin is to yang as roots are to shoots

—

.07

Thank you for the day, thank you for the night. Thank you for the remembering that has been just right. I love you and missed you and I’m so grateful this bond is true.

Who am I? Who are you?

If we’re both alive, then we must both be true.

I’m so excited to traverse this journey with you.

What a joy, what a memory that is coming into being, backwards and forwards and everything in between. Thank you <3

—

.08

Be true to you in everything that you do. Be true to YOU <3

—

.09

What’s the trick to continuously making (that shift!) noticing your life is beautiful. And finding / creating ways to make it more so <3

—

.10

I feel an undercurrent of almost nervousness, like anticipation of feeling something is coming, unfolding. Anticipation. The unknown. It’s building. Whatever it is feels…

—

.11

What is Journara?

It’s a validation an honoring of everything I’ve done to get to this point. It’s my own art, my own mastery, my own navigation and I’m proud of it. I’m proud and happy to say I no longer think that way. That I’ve found a better way of living than being trapped in all of those thoughts. That the shifts came more from my mind than any external circumstance. And if that’s true, it means anything can happen <3

—

.12

Self love? Joy? Play is the answer to trauma.

To approach life with play, will there even be time to dismay?

—

.13

What does your EverAfter look like?