Journal //

The world is simply incredible. I literally am blown away by it more and more. The journey that it leads me on when I allow myself to be led by the nuances and quiet nudges is when life feels the most bright and magical. Truly, it’s when I feel most alive. Like life is more than a version of groundhog day, that it’s full of mystery and adventure so long as I am open to seeing it, following it, flowing with it. 

These past couple months have been one of quiet surrender. To what? Productivity, hustle, doing.. that doesn’t even quite hit the mark. What has it been actually. I suppose, it’s my own expectations of myself, to PROVE to myself that I am indeed worthy. It’s like I’ll live when and all this nonsense. I mean it’s not nonsense at all. It’s what I’ve lived for so long, it’s what I knew. I felt this emptiness. This inescapable emptiness. The kind that goes on vacation just long enough for you to think your making progress or have escaped its grips only to return just as ferociously as before. That jolting was rough. Going from these immense highs like wow how can I ever feel any way but this, everything is sooo beautiful. Straight back down to what’s the point of it all even, like really, so over the ritual of it all, the this and the that repeating day after day… for what? 

The ‘for what?’ is the question that I finally surrendered to. And only then did the answers start flooding in. It’s the quiet wake up call that said to me, finally you see, this is not all you were made for. You were made to be.

I’ve heard that before, just be. Do be do be do. It’s a thing my dad says to me. Just do. From outside I heard, just be. So I made my own tune— do be do be do. But what I’m learning is that everything really is a matter of nuance. I translated do to— be productive, be busy, be active. I translated be to— do nothing, enjoy the moment, take it all in. They were complete and polar opposites. How can you be expected to swing from one to the other. It’s like the moment I was being, the voice inside said you should be doing and when I’d be doing the voice would say you should be being. I read these words and realize the depth in them too when we really, truly come to an understanding of what something is. And there’s something about words that just somehow lack the full picture and leave you left to decipher or translate them from only what you already know and read into them, but sometimes there’s so much more to know, to feel, to resonate with. And that’s what I’m learning now, resonance. 

So resonance isn’t about just doing and being in the surface sense of be busy or be at rest— it’s about what is the purpose, the drive, the spark behind the doing and the being. What drives them both forward. And that is the question that’s been staring me right in the face, so uncomfortable at times, penetrating, peering deep into my soul bringing up such feelings that I don’t even know what to do with. But that’s the thing, it’s a calibration tool. It brings up all the things that are in disharmony so I can actually know what these things are pointing to— the doing and the being. And how I came to recognize it was that all the doing and being in the world, in the way that I knew how to, kept taking me back to the same ol spot. Like in a movie when the characters are lost in the woods and walk for hours only to realize they’ve landed back in the very place they started from. Still lost and still wandering. Well that’s the thing about it, you can think you’re going forward in the way of progress and all the time be going in some huge circle around yourself. 

So here’s where things start to get interesting. What if instead of looking where I normally do for guidance, what if I start looking to something else. What if I use something else to mark my way, my journey, to navigate through these woods. Cuz literally that’s where I’d been feeling, lost in the woods, circling and circling only to find I end up just where I started. The thing about circling the woods though, is you start to know them quite well, and you get to know the sounds and the creatures that live there and the smells and well, the nuances of it. And it’s with those nuances that you can start to pick up on the subtle things you had no idea about before. And that right there is honing resonance. 

So resonance is like, hearing a sound like a rustling of leaves, and knowing whether to be startled by a predator or soothed by the presence of the wind. It’s knowing the nuances of the sounds to know if you can be in survival mode or enjoying the journey and the actual beauty of the environment. Resonance is trusting your intuition, because you’ve learned to hone it. Resonance is being awake and alive to the world around you and trusting that by honing into yourself, you’ll be able to pick up on just the right signals to find your way through. And that’s exactly what I’ll do. 

Now I started writing because of this serendipity thing that’s been happening. Every time I stop trying to force and logic a way, and when I follow through in those little whispers that pop up over and over in the back of my head like a gentle nudge to actions that will put me more at ease. Not in the I need to solve this kind of way, but this is the way forward kind of way. And let me tell you, yesterday afternoon was by far the most up I have felt in SOOOOOO long! WOW! It was like a totally new kind of up that was just a knowing of YES THIS IS THE WAY FORWARD! And all these parts and pieces started clicking into place. And it was just beautiful. And I get up this morning and I know exactly what I want to get up and do, which is so new. Most days I’d been dabbling here and there is this it, is that it, getting lost in the woods again. But yesterday I listened to a nudge and then wow the momentum started. And now, I listen and I move and what pops up on my phone— a notification from The Pattern app— ‘You’re starting a new cycle today.’ WHAT?!?!?!? The actual what.

Oh did I mention that on June 30th I realized July 4th is coming up, and it’s quite literally my favorite holiday because of the fireworks. I just adore fireworks for so many reasons. Mainly because they make me feel so alive. The feeling of the boom in the middle of my chest, the light in the darkness, the glow and the patterns. Well guess what else, the project I’ve been working on is called Konfetti Sky— and what are fireworks but konfetti in the sky lol. So what better day to just launch this thing. Also it’s like an independence day and that’s what I’m claiming through the other project, Wildly Indie, is my own indie alt way of doing things, so there. Plus that launch is close enough to now that I can’t quite overthink it, and enough time to sort out the ‘structure’ / ‘format’ it will be. So that’s what I’ve been doing, asking myself, what is this actually and how do I want to show up in it. Trial, feedback, trial, feedback, trial, feedback. And here we’ve landed. Yesterday afternoon it clicked. And when it did all these pages I’d made started locking into place! And what I thought was going to be starting from scratch… again… is really a culmination of everything I’ve started!!! Oh the relief and excitement. And that is when I knew, I found it. Prepare to launch!

Okay, so when I click into this notification— ‘You’re starting a new cycle today.’ Open the app. Opportunity & Abundance. That’s the cycle. FUUUUUUCKKKK. It’s like a giant cosmic joke. Of course that’s what it would be.

Oh there’s so much more to this story, but for now I want to dive back into this page. Cuz I have a feeling we’re gonna be surprised by sooo much more. Okay ttfn! 

 .~*~. 

TNTR

Oh! P.S. Not only launching on July 4 is independence day, but 9-months from then (cuz this is my baby) is April 4— 44— so 7444, divinely guided stability. Sdkfjaklsdhf;oah! Hahahaha. I love this. See and this is the very thing that makes life magical and fun again. Let’s play!